Jacob Wrestled the Angel

I can't say that I was ever indoctrinated to believe that homosexuality was a sin, not in the sense that anyone ever sat me down and drummed it into my little head that it was so. I grew up in a Christian community with a loving mother and father and my childhood was full of adventure and imagination and role models that shaped much of who I am today. I don't know when I was aware of it, probably as I hit puberty. At some point I found that a belief had taken form in me on homosexuality being a sin, it  felt wrong to me, it must be wrong. Was it my Christian community? Was it society in general? Was it the media? Was it the schoolyard? Was it just me?

I think it was just sort of an all of the above common understanding that soaked up through the pores in my skin and then it was there. But it wasn't something that was focussed on or talked about much in my world.

When we moved to Logan and I hit High School my worldview began to change. No longer in the safe arms of a Christian community, I encountered peers; 70% of which came from broken families. Many of those families broken by violence. Friends would stay over from time to time and come to call my parents mum and dad in times of need. An anger welled from deep with how unfair some of their lives were and with people around the world who were neglected or opressed. I started to develop what my father would often describe proudly as my strong social justice streak.

In many of the Churches we went to, social justice became a dirty word and they didn't seem to focus on the things that I thought really mattered. I stopped going to Church. My father continued to be proud of me, a bit concerned perhaps but unconditional in his love.

Come young adulthood I found belonging in subculture filled with an alternative assortment of Punks, Goth's, Freaks and just those that didn't want to conform to the mainstream message of the time. Rubbing shoulders with a lot of gays (we didn't refer to them as LGBTQI or A back then) who also found a sense of acceptance within this ratpack, I found we got along fine. There was that small part of me though that watched them with a slightly judgemental eye. A nagging voice that noted their "lifestyle choice" of promiscuity, reinforcing my view that they were walking the wrong path. All the while trying to ignore the too acute awareness that we heterosexuals could head in the same direction. Perhaps their "lifestyle choice" was all there was with other paths gated.

As an adult I took one of those paths and returned to Christian community and reignited my faith, my social justice streak still burned through. It took some expression in wanting to help my gay friends. If debating their "choices" can be seen to be helpful. I lost those debates and learnt to listen more and found myself questioning my logic and my beliefs. Over a couple of years I researched what Christians had to say, the Bible, the gay community and what secular professionals in science and psychology etc. had to say on the subject.

I went soul searching inward and reflected on whether I had a speck in my eye or if this value of mine had somehow been indoctrinated. Questioning everything but always holding that the other was of equal value as a human. Was homosexuality just part of the fall? Was it some sort of neurotic response to sexuality due to an experience in childhood? Could someone even be held to account if that was the case? And why should my values be imposed on another anyway?

Wrestling with all these ideas, with how Jesus says nothing regarding homosexuality. With how the little the Bible says on the subject is disputable in its meaning and has been twisted out of form. Heck, when you start to see the Bible as not written by God but as a collection of books written by man inspired by wrestling with this concept of God; Then seeing the Bible as the literal truth on all things feels like turning it into an idol of worship. Likewise using fear of the unknown or fear of an outdated concept like hell to push beliefs, much did not sit right with me in the God I recognised in love.

So I wrestled through the night with God instead as if I was Jacob wrestling the Angel on the banks of a stream. We fought on a golf course under the stars instead. Flat on my back I swore to the sky, angry that my father had died, angry that life was not fair. Daring my invisible friend to smite me. I would spend that energy and then clamly listen for a voice in the universe to reply. In all my bouts, in all my questioning, my spirit never heard a hard word and never in reply to the question of homosexuality. Maybe this mysterious friend was just leaving some decisions to us - like - figure it for yourselves and it doesn't matter whether you're a believer or not, just grow up and figure it out. Use logic, use science, search your feelings Luke, you know that it's true...
 
The crunch was so simple when it came. Finally dawning on me that I had never chosen my sexual orientation. It just crept up on me that I was attracted to girls and damn, that was a powerful force. That it was the same experience for someone of a homosexual orientation meant that that was how nature or God had made them. Therefore It was natural, even an intended purpose, and if so then God can bless all kinds of relationships. I checked this theory with my friend, I sat with it awhile. It fit. My spirit, my psyche, accepted this as truth. I felt better, weird huh?

Coming to terms with that logic was freeing. We won't end up with more or less gay people no matter what we do. SSM or raising children in SSM, nothing we do will have any bearing upon someone's sexual orientation, it's not a choice or a consequence, it just is. That was all over ten years ago. I've made my apologies where I could and not wanting to be luke warm and spat out have thrown myself into supporting the LGBTQIA community with trust that God gives me a nod and a wink in affirmation that I'm on the right path.

I've since been working full time with young people and have seen how hard it can be when a young person feels they have to come out as gay or bi or whatever. To offer anything other than full support would be abuse in my eyes. It's getting easier though. For the vast majority I work with, they are dumbfounded that equal rights and same sex marriage are even a question.

The young people or collegues I work with that are LGBTQIA are not broken. The broken  I do work with come from extremely dysfunctional families. I still believe that all children need positive male and female role models and that the nuclear family idea is failing many. So I don't give a damn what shape your family takes, every young person needs community and I hope I am a positive male role model within that community to all I encounter.

I will continue to wrestle with my faith and with the world. One thing I take out of Jacob Wrestling the Angel is that God appreciates the audacity of someone who will wrestle with God and with humans and will overcome. A bit late to the party for sure but I stand fully with my LGBTQIA brothers and sisters.