Jacob Wrestled the Angel

I can't say that I was ever indoctrinated to believe that homosexuality was a sin, not in the sense that anyone ever sat me down and drummed it into my little head that it was so. I grew up in a Christian community with a loving mother and father and my childhood was full of adventure and imagination and role models that shaped much of who I am today. I don't know when I was aware of it, probably as I hit puberty. At some point I found that a belief had taken form in me on homosexuality being a sin, it  felt wrong to me, it must be wrong. Was it my Christian community? Was it society in general? Was it the media? Was it the schoolyard? Was it just me?

I think it was just sort of an all of the above common understanding that soaked up through the pores in my skin and then it was there. But it wasn't something that was focussed on or talked about much in my world.

When we moved to Logan and I hit High School my worldview began to change. No longer in the safe arms of a Christian community, I encountered peers; 70% of which came from broken families. Many of those families broken by violence. Friends would stay over from time to time and come to call my parents mum and dad in times of need. An anger welled from deep with how unfair some of their lives were and with people around the world who were neglected or opressed. I started to develop what my father would often describe proudly as my strong social justice streak.

In many of the Churches we went to, social justice became a dirty word and they didn't seem to focus on the things that I thought really mattered. I stopped going to Church. My father continued to be proud of me, a bit concerned perhaps but unconditional in his love.

Come young adulthood I found belonging in subculture filled with an alternative assortment of Punks, Goth's, Freaks and just those that didn't want to conform to the mainstream message of the time. Rubbing shoulders with a lot of gays (we didn't refer to them as LGBTQI or A back then) who also found a sense of acceptance within this ratpack, I found we got along fine. There was that small part of me though that watched them with a slightly judgemental eye. A nagging voice that noted their "lifestyle choice" of promiscuity, reinforcing my view that they were walking the wrong path. All the while trying to ignore the too acute awareness that we heterosexuals could head in the same direction. Perhaps their "lifestyle choice" was all there was with other paths gated.

As an adult I took one of those paths and returned to Christian community and reignited my faith, my social justice streak still burned through. It took some expression in wanting to help my gay friends. If debating their "choices" can be seen to be helpful. I lost those debates and learnt to listen more and found myself questioning my logic and my beliefs. Over a couple of years I researched what Christians had to say, the Bible, the gay community and what secular professionals in science and psychology etc. had to say on the subject.

I went soul searching inward and reflected on whether I had a speck in my eye or if this value of mine had somehow been indoctrinated. Questioning everything but always holding that the other was of equal value as a human. Was homosexuality just part of the fall? Was it some sort of neurotic response to sexuality due to an experience in childhood? Could someone even be held to account if that was the case? And why should my values be imposed on another anyway?

Wrestling with all these ideas, with how Jesus says nothing regarding homosexuality. With how the little the Bible says on the subject is disputable in its meaning and has been twisted out of form. Heck, when you start to see the Bible as not written by God but as a collection of books written by man inspired by wrestling with this concept of God; Then seeing the Bible as the literal truth on all things feels like turning it into an idol of worship. Likewise using fear of the unknown or fear of an outdated concept like hell to push beliefs, much did not sit right with me in the God I recognised in love.

So I wrestled through the night with God instead as if I was Jacob wrestling the Angel on the banks of a stream. We fought on a golf course under the stars instead. Flat on my back I swore to the sky, angry that my father had died, angry that life was not fair. Daring my invisible friend to smite me. I would spend that energy and then clamly listen for a voice in the universe to reply. In all my bouts, in all my questioning, my spirit never heard a hard word and never in reply to the question of homosexuality. Maybe this mysterious friend was just leaving some decisions to us - like - figure it for yourselves and it doesn't matter whether you're a believer or not, just grow up and figure it out. Use logic, use science, search your feelings Luke, you know that it's true...
 
The crunch was so simple when it came. Finally dawning on me that I had never chosen my sexual orientation. It just crept up on me that I was attracted to girls and damn, that was a powerful force. That it was the same experience for someone of a homosexual orientation meant that that was how nature or God had made them. Therefore It was natural, even an intended purpose, and if so then God can bless all kinds of relationships. I checked this theory with my friend, I sat with it awhile. It fit. My spirit, my psyche, accepted this as truth. I felt better, weird huh?

Coming to terms with that logic was freeing. We won't end up with more or less gay people no matter what we do. SSM or raising children in SSM, nothing we do will have any bearing upon someone's sexual orientation, it's not a choice or a consequence, it just is. That was all over ten years ago. I've made my apologies where I could and not wanting to be luke warm and spat out have thrown myself into supporting the LGBTQIA community with trust that God gives me a nod and a wink in affirmation that I'm on the right path.

I've since been working full time with young people and have seen how hard it can be when a young person feels they have to come out as gay or bi or whatever. To offer anything other than full support would be abuse in my eyes. It's getting easier though. For the vast majority I work with, they are dumbfounded that equal rights and same sex marriage are even a question.

The young people or collegues I work with that are LGBTQIA are not broken. The broken  I do work with come from extremely dysfunctional families. I still believe that all children need positive male and female role models and that the nuclear family idea is failing many. So I don't give a damn what shape your family takes, every young person needs community and I hope I am a positive male role model within that community to all I encounter.

I will continue to wrestle with my faith and with the world. One thing I take out of Jacob Wrestling the Angel is that God appreciates the audacity of someone who will wrestle with God and with humans and will overcome. A bit late to the party for sure but I stand fully with my LGBTQIA brothers and sisters.

Misrepresenting

The definition of the word 'indoctrinated' on google is given as: to teach (a person or group) to accept a set of beliefs uncritically.

In the wake of Monday night's QandA with Kevin Rudd and the whole episode of the question about Gay Marriage I have since seen many Christians attacking Mr Rudd for misrepresenting the Bible. I have found their misrepresentation of Mr Rudd very frustrating. They have focused solely on his summary of a Bible verse stating that 'slavery is a natural condition.' Arguably he may have been a bit off the mark in making this summary but you could make a myriad more by using the book of Leviticus. What was clear to me was that it was not a summary that he was ascribing to believing in. He was pointing out how just taking verses out of the Bible to say what you want them to say is a weak and dangerous thing to do to base your beliefs on.

He actually went on to explain what he does believe and how he forms those beliefs yet in the articles critising him they always fail to mention (even one word) of his summary of the New Testament as having a message of universal love. He explained how he goes about wrestling with his beliefs over time, using critical thinking, using science, using the greater context of the Bible as opposed to singular verses and using his Christian concience. Is it wrong of him to do that as a Christian? I would say that it is imperative that every Christian walks this road.

It seems some Christians give no validity to the rest of his statements regarding the New Testament simply because he said something critical of the Bible. Those people that hold the Bible up as the arbiter of all wisdom are dangerous. Interpretations can be wrong, verses can be twisted to say near anything. If you accept everything as black and white then you miss the nuance of colour and diversity (thank you Cecily Rosol for turning the grey areas into colour for me). The Bible is important to the Christian but it is not to be worshipped lest you make an idol of it, and besides; the Christian story goes on with every new day, it hasn't ceased moving.

The verses most couples use at their marriage from 1 Cor 13:1-13 speak to what love is and from verse 11 (with the danger of using a verse from the Bible) it says “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” It goes on to say that all that I know is partial and incomplete and further - that three things will last forever-faith, hope and love-and the greatest of these is love. Was Rudd wrong in stating the message of the Gospel to be one of love? Was he wrong to doubt his earlier beliefs around homosexuality and reconsider?

William Hughes an expert on critical thinking said “If we are not prepared to think for ourselves, and to make the effort to learn how to do this well, we will always be in danger of becoming slaves to the ideas and values of others due to our own ignorance.” I applaud Rudd's faith and logic in arriving to his conclusion on Gay Marriage. And as uncomfortable as it was to see the Pastor who asked the question having questions thrown back at him and the audience turn on him it appeared that in the moment he had nothing much more to stand on than indoctrinated beliefs.

Indoctrinated beliefs are dangerous and not just in the realm of Christianity and other religions. Indoctrination is a controlling mechanism – the google definition of 'indoctrinated' goes on to give an example of its use: “broadcasting was a vehicle for indoctrinating the masses” and by golly haven't we seen that in widespread use over the last few weeks by a Murdoch controlled press that want people to accept its view of the world and its choice of Prime Minister in Tony Abbott. And Christian media is doing the same now with their attack on Rudd, trying to persuade people to vote on their agenda. 

The right's views on asylum seekers and mining and a carbon price and just how badly our AAA credit rated economy is going has seen the public debate around this election as a race to fan the flames of fear in people and then come running in dressed up for the photographers in firefighting gear. Peter Hitchens, brother of prominent atheist Christopher Hitchens, followed a different path as an atheist that came to faith. He said “Is there any point in public debate in a society where hardly anyone has been taught how to think, while millions have been taught what to think?” I think that applies here.

So don't attack Rudd for thinking for himself, turn the heat up on those that don't. I'm finding it my responsibilty to no longer stand idly by when a bloke at a BBQ starts spouting that climate change is crap – that is ignorance – as if he knows more than 98% of the world's top climate scientists. Or when someone accuses asylum seekers of clogging the roads despite the fact that they can't afford cars.

If you want to attack Rudd on his Christian values then ask him why his asylum seeker policy is what it is now or why he has put off increasing aid to the worlds poor, those may deal breakers for you but to turn off him because he espouses loving thy neighbour as a tenet of his faith is just hearing what you want to hear.

Jesus was not about controlling people, he was about freeing people, often from themselves. Christianity is not a cage, the New Testament repeatedly says that we have a new covenant and repeatedly Christians pull out the Old that should have been put to bed around 2000 years ago and frankly I'm sick of it. The Gospels record Jesus saying “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength and all your mind, and love your neighbour as yourself.”

The indoctrinators from what I see around me do not want you to use your heart or your mind or to love your neighbour, just to pay lip service and maybe they'll give you what you want, regardless of what we need.